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Mattel’s New Self-Care Barbies Are A Whole-Ass Mess | Betches

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Has the millennial #selfcare pattern gone too far? My checking account states yes, therefore does Mattel’ s statement that they are now launching a line of self-care Barbies. If just we’d had these dolls in the 90s, so my Barbies might go on the South Beach Diet with my mama. Mattel in fact partnered with Headspace to develop this line, which includes different almost similar spa-day playsets concentrating on meditation, physical conditioning, and self-care by motivating “ day-to-day regimens. ” Because that ’ s what kids enjoy: regimens. I, for one, can ’ t wait on them to follow this lineup with a line of Barbies that have actually entered into charge card financial obligation from getting persuading and stoned themselves they require brand-new bath bombs one a lot of times. Or possibly one who lost all her family and friends since she stayed at home for a lot of “ self-care ” days and they presume she passed away. The possibilities are unlimited. As Betches ’ resident doll roaster , it is my spiritual task to now roast these dolls. Thankfully, they ’ re so zen they can take it.

Breathe With Me Barbie


The Breathe With Me Barbie has the ability to lead kids through 5 meditations, which I’ ll confess is an enhancement from the days when Barbie stated sh * t like “ Math is difficult! ” and provided individuals consuming conditions. Look, I’ m not stating it’s bad for kids to practice meditation. It is objectively great for kids to practice meditation, however what kid wishes to practice meditation while they’ re in the middle of a f * cking playdate? This doll is a one-way ticket to not having your kid welcomed over once again. I can envision it now:

Mom: How was your playdate, hon?
Child: Uhh all right however in the middle of it Kimmy took out a Barbie using yoga trousers and made us being in silence for 15 minutes while it led us through a body scan.

** Mom obstructs Kimmy’ s mama’s number and pretends not to see her at Kiss-And-Ride for the remainder of the year **

Barbie Spa Doll

medical spa

Tbh, I truly covet the Barbie Spa Doll’ s way of life. She is referred to as somebody who “ soaks away the day with day spa and bath items. ” In other words, Spa Barbie is me on joblessness. She includes a brush, a candle light, a neck pillow, an eye mask and set of bath bombs. This doll is living the dream. She likewise includes a rubber ducky, which I’m quite favorable would get her ass chuckled out of the medspa. The very best part is that Mattel explains her clothing as “a comfortable stylish appearance”. Required I advise you, this “appearance” is simply a towel and flip-flops. Thanks to Mattel’s self-care Barbies, the next time I’m late to a function since I was sitting on my bed in my towel, gazing at the wall for 45 minutes, I will merely declare I was simply altering out of my “comfortable trendy appearance” into something more classy.

The Barbie Spa Doll likewise has her own canine, which she has actually obviously given the day spa with her. He even has his own floatation gadget, which recommends that she is bringing him into the water. This is inappropriate day spa rules and ought to not be taught to kids. I would require a refund if I was at Spa Castle and somebody got in the hot tub with a canine. And wear’ t even attempt to inform me this is a psychological assistance animal. You’ re ata medical spa. That ’ s all the psychological assistance you require.

Barbie Fizzy Bath Doll


The Barbie Fizzy Bath Doll is essentially the Barbie health spa doll, however she features her own tub, recommending that she is at house. And to truly drive house that Barbie is simply your typical millennial, they even offered her a little succulent beside her tub! How charming. In associated news, succulents are formally played out now.

Of all the dolls, the Barbie Fizzy Bath Doll is the one I can most support. I indicate, she’ s basically simply a Barbie with a truly good tub. Sounds typical. I’ m truthfully amazed it didn’ t currently exist. Not actually breaking any brand-new ground with this one. The only thing that troubles me a bit is the description: ” Kids can practice self-care as they assist Barbie ® doll recharge with this spa-themed playset that lets them play out a timeless minute– a glittery, carbonated bath!” While yes, taking a bath is a traditional self-care practice, do kids truly require to be learning more about own how entirely unwinding it is to slip into a warm carbonated bath after a long week of pretending to like the morons you deal with? Isn’t life going to beat them down enough without Mattel training them for it?

Also, as a sidenote, Mattel categorizes this Barbie as “brunette” which like . ok. Carrying on.

Barbie Face Mask Spa Day


Only somewhat various (and I do indicate ever so somewhat) than Barbie Fizzy Bath Doll is Barbie Face Mask Spa Day, who comes total with her own tubs of dough to build face masks out of. I have actually invested every Sunday night given that 2016 using a minimum of one face mask in the hopes that it would reverse the psychological damage from my blackout the night previously, and never ever as soon as have I formed the mask onto my own face like clay. Barbie is currently much better at self-care than me. It’s cool, I’m great.

But if you check out the description for this Barbie, it’s in fact quite f * cked up. The Barbie comes with a marker, and kids are advised to “utilize the consisted of marker to produce acnes on the doll’s face.” Oh no, I do not like the method this is going. After molding the face mask onto Barbie’s face, which we currently talked about is impractical, here’s what takes place next, per Mattel’s own directions: “eliminate the mask, clean the doll’s confront with the towel and the acnes have actually vanished– what a healthy radiance!”

Okay, f * ck you Mattel. Everyone understands that doing a face mask isn’t going to amazingly make your acnes vanish– you simply do the face masks since they were on sale at Sephora and the gold ones look charming on your Instagram story. That’s not the greatest concern. Mentor kids that imperfections are anything aside from a typical part of life and require to be excised from one’s face is something. Teaching them that they can be removed with one face mask and the swipe of a towel? Now that is criminal. Another set of impractical charm expectations thanks to Barbie!

Barbie ® Relaxation Doll

Barbie® Barbie ®

Okay, we truly did not require a doll for this. This bitch issimply going to sleep. Next.

The Fitness Doll

This Barbie is the most ominous of all. She features her own yoga mat, weights, and a hula hoop. Her pet likewise features its own set of weights, due to the fact that society does not put enough pressure on pet dogs as it is to be fit. I would have liked to be a fly on the wall in this pitch conference: “What if we now hear me out provide the canine its own set of weights so it can do bicep curls together with Barbie?” “Glen, you child of a bitch, you’ve done it once again! That’s genius!” The one lady in the conference is like, ” however pet dogs do not have thumbs?” and she gets informed to stop being unfavorable. When was the last time you went to an exercise class that included a hula hoop? Ah yes, I remember it well: it was the 35th of Neveruary.

Hula hoop ridiculousness aside, this doll is the individual who appears initially to every yoga class, sits straight in front of the instructor, and does headstands while everybody else is expected to be in kid present. This doll oms truly loud at the end of class in a truly performative manner in which you can inform breaks the entire point of om-ing in the very first location. This doll #livelaughloves and uses $500 physical fitness clothing. Keep away from this doll.

Images: Mattel

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